Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods. Why do we do this? The reasons are complex and often based on our own embedded fears of intimacy. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern. Because this process is largely unconscious, we often blame our partner for the relationship’s failed outcome. We may establish an unsatisfying relationship by selecting a person who isn’t emotionally available. When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead, you seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face? We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. After all, others can be cruel you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think. When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “why am I still single?”, here are some unconventional answers that lie within. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Defenses, Love, Relationship Problems, Relationships, Toxic RelationshipsĬlearly, some people are single because they choose to be.
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